You Never Let Go

No words can adequately express how you ministered to me through your prayers, visits, emails, texts, and calls over the past week. Over and over again, the song "You Never Let Go" kept ringing in my head and each communication I received from you reminded me that God was using you to remind me that He never lets go.

Most of you are familiar with my story. My sister has been fighting all her life. We both witnessed as children a life that no child should have to experience. We were five years apart in age but had a special bond of survival. I ran away when I was 16 and she ran away at age 11. We both went our separate ways. After high school I left Spokane only to return once briefly and then left for good. My sister Kristi began a relationship with a young boy and moved in with his family at age 11. Kristi gave birth to her first child at age 14. Ashley is now 19 with a beautiful 3 month old son named Kennon. Two years later at 17 she gave birth to her son Chad who is now 17. And then at age 19 she gave birth to another daughter, Ashley who is now 14.

Kristi was good mother. She showed her love deeply. She was always taking in other children who needed love. But she was wounded so terribly. But her children were first priority. Her wounds were stored inside. Yes, she made some very bad choices in life and she lived the life that she only knew how.

As we look back Kristi started regressing after drugs took our mother's life 13 years ago. If I was to compare Kristi's death to our mothers, it would nearly be identical with the exception being our mother survived in the hospital about 10 days longer. Our mother and Kristi had developed a co dependent relationship and were very close following the birth of Kristi's second child, Chad. While our mother's death was devastating to all involved it was especially so for Kristi.

Kristi started pushing her children to their father and began distancing herself over the past year to year and a half. She was hurting inside. I believe because she loved her children so much she was trying to protect them. Kristi started using Meth and moving from one bad abusive relationship to another. Since December 2007 she had attempted three suicides. We (the family) were only aware of 1 other time.

Her fourth attempt she was discovered in a flower bed on a busy intersection in Spokane a week ago from yesterday. When she arrived at the hospital she was awake and sitting up. She told the nurses that she did NOT want family contacted and the nurses explained her attitude as very angry that she was at the hospital and that they were helping her. On Friday test results came back and she was progressively slipping in and out of a consciousness. State law requires the hospital to list her as a confidential patient so at this point there was no family contacted or family member names discussed. She had taken a bottle of tylenol and some Meth. Her liver had stopped functioning and the toxins were killing her.

Her nurse decided that it was time to contact family as death was imminent. On Saturday after much research she discover her daughter Ashley and contacted her. The doctor that was assigned to her case said if we wanted to see her alive we need to get there now.

Natalie and I were at the funeral of my cousins wife in Kentucky who also suffered from mental illness and took her life. We were not able to arrive to Spokane till Sunday morning. Walking into the hospital room, memories of our mother overwhelmed me. And then the children. And then I realized that I was hurting so bad because it felt like I was losing one of my children. Often times it was just Kristi and myself when we were small.

Monday morning a senior doctor came in and after reading the CT brain scan that showed no brain swelling or bleeding announced that he disagreed with the previous doctors diagnosis and said we should expect full recovery. Kristi's liver was starting to work again and had improved from Sunday to Monday. He just simply said we should expect full recovery as the Liver continues to work again. He then wanted us to place her on life support to help her breathing so she didn't tire out and get pnuemonia. Well.... there was now hope and we agreed.

Tuesday test results showed again improvement of her liver functions so the doctor ordered a feeding tube. At this point I was beginning to question our decision to put her on life support and then all of a sudden he was putting a feeding tube. I struggled with this the entire day and evening. But the others were not including Natalie, so I was trying to find comfort in that. Now that we nearly had every machine in the room keeping Kristi alive I told Natalie she might as well go home. So we made arrangements for her to go home early Wednesday morning.

In the wee early hours Wednesday morning Kristi had a seizure that lasted 10 minutes. Followed by another seizure four hours later that lasted 22 minutes. I had shared my uncertainty with the night nurse and she encouraged me to approach and challenge the doctor. She also told me he was the best at the hospital and she would trust her life with him.

Natalie left for the airport about 730am and the doctor arrived around 830am just in time for a third seizure that lasted over 30 minutes. I challenged the doctor! But he convinced me we were doing the right thing and he again repeated "I expect FULL recovery." Then he offered for my comfort to order and additional CT scan of her brain.

Kristi went down for the scan around 1030am. It was almost an hour before she returned. She had another seizure during the scan. When she returned the Nurse, whom I love, in passing looked at me straight in the and shook her head. About 30 minutes later I was informed that the doctor wanted to talk to me and that he would be calling at 1pm.

At 115pm the doctor called and explained that Kristi's head was extremely swollen and was so swollen there was no room for the swelling to continue. The same doctor that said she will fully recover was now saying there was no chance due to her neurological status. We decided to remove life support. Around 3pm the life support was removed. We were fully expecting her to survive at least a couple of days, because our mother lived nearly a week after we removed life support. This was not the case. Kristi passed on about 5 minutes after removing the support.

I don't have to tell you how tragic and how desperate the kids are feeling. I was not in too good shape that afternoon and Thursday morning, but I am better today.

My sister did not have a chance at life. Again, yes she made some bad choices. But she was sick. Mental illness is very serious and it can take control. It took control of my sister. She did not have the support system that my Granny had put in place when I was a small child. After I ran away from home, I left everything including her behind, which I am sure added to her woundedness. But she was sick. I want you to hear that. She was not in control when she took her life. She was in a very dark and lonely place.

I thank God for each of you. God has used you as His rock in so many ways. Thank you!! May God's Light shine upon you this day!

With All My Love,

Eric (E-No)
Eric Noah-Wilson

KRISTINA LYNN BLANK
July 12, 1974 - May 21, 2008

Memorial Service:
May 27, 2008 @ 11:00 am
Northside Church of Christ
N. 5601 Jefferson
Spokane, WA 99207

Terry Smith, Officiating

In honor of Kristi Blank, The ZOE Group would like you to have this free download of the song that kept sustaining and giving courage to Eric about God's everlasting love that never lets go. You Never Let Go

Kristi Blank dies May 21

Life support was removed from Kristi Blank tonight and she died five minutes later. Eric is hurting. We mourn the loss of Eric's sister, who had three children and one grandchild.

Thank you for your prayers and please continue to pray for Eric, Natalie and the rest of the family.

Update 2: Eric Noah-Wilson's Sister, Kristi Blank

From Eric in Spokane, Washington:

First I want to thank you. I don't have words to express how these messages you've sent, the prayers you've lifted have kept me going.

It has been so encourage to stop, sit and pick up my phone and read the prayers and thoughts of so many. It has been a very emotional roller coaster. Below is the latest.

Kristi has two doctors seeing her and they have very different diagnoses. The first doctor who has been treating Kristi since Thursday is adamant that there will be no recovery with the damage that she has inflicted on her body. A second doctor has come in, however, and believes results of tests compared from the past two days have shown positive increases in filtering the toxins. So he wants to put her on life support and give it 48 hours to see if in fact her liver functions continue to improve. Late last night her breathing was so shallow the decision was made to put her on life support as the new doctor recommended.

This morning (May 20) the doctor came in and explained that the tests taken this morning again showed improvement in her liver activity and he ordered a feeding tube. Okay, so now you can see the different emotions I am feeling. If in fact she is improving I am very excited (and scared). Scared that if she does come out how angry she is going to be. Her few words on Thursday to the nurses were "I don't want to live, let me die!" Are we prolonging the inevitable?

So of course with the feeding tube and life support this could go on for quite some time. I am sending Natalie home tomorrow. Kristi's color is better, and she seems to be resting. She is on life support, with heavy doses of fluids, vitamins, antibiotics fighting off everything that the liver should be doing.

To the ZOE Family . . . these emails, calls and prayers are what has kept me going! God is GOOD and He is the HEALER.

Thank you!

Note: You may leave comments and prayers here on this blog . . . and we'll let Eric know where to find them. We've forwarded nearly 300 of your messages and prayers to Eric in the last three days.

Update on Eric Noah-Wilson's sister, Kristi

Eric texted me yesterday with these words . . .

This is so hard. In addition to having to re-live the death of my (biological) mother 12 years ago, I am witnessing my sister, who I cared for when we were kids, dying right in front of me.

Kristi has not been awake since we arrived Sunday. She is breathing on her own, but breaths are more and more shallow and heart rate has gone from 124 to 134.

It feels like I am losing a child. I hurt.

What It Costs to be a Disciple

"I tell you the truth," Jesus replied, "no one who has left home or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or fields for me and the gospel will fail to receive a hundred times as much in this present age (homes, brothers, sisters, mothers, children and fields—and with them, persecutions) and in the age to come, eternal life. But many who are first will be last, and the last first." ~ Mark 10:29-31

It's a sobering footnote to the account of the rich young ruler - a less-than-comforting word of comfort at the climax of a crescendo of sobering declarations: that it's hard for the rich to enter the kingdom of God ... that with man, it is impossible to be saved; but with God it is possible. It's the answer to Peter's desperate cry for affirmation: "We've left everything to follow you!"

It was true for them. Is it true for us?

Do we believe that it's still hard for the rich to enter God's kingdom? I don't know about you, but I sure don't live like I believe it. I have so much stuff that I've caught myself thinking about renting stuff so I can buy more stuff to stuff with all of my extra stuff.

Do we believe that with man - trying to direct his own steps; trying to weave his own robes of self-righteous white and ending up with only filthy rags - with man, it actually is impossible to please God? but that with God, all things are possible? I still find myself thinking from time to time that I can beat all the bad stuff, do all the good stuff, understand all the incomprehensible stuff, live all the tough stuff, believe all the incredible stuff, and be right about all the right stuff if I just try a little bit harder.

What a bunch of ... stuff.

Without God, it's impossible.

But does it always cost home, family and possessions to follow?

As nearly as I can tell, yes. In one way or the other: either you give everything over to God that you have - willingly, cheerfully, gladly - and be delighted to use whatever He lets you use for His glory; or He will eventually take it away from you. He'll do whatever it takes to help you fulfill your commitment to follow His Son and journey ever closer to Him.

At the Pepperdine Lectureship last week, Angi and I taught the chapter on kenosis - emptying one's self in order to be filled with the equipping Holy Spirit - from Darryl Tippens' book Pilgrim Heart as an example for leading small groups. One of the folks in our class was a dear lady who had been emptied by God, and she believed it was because He loved her so much and that she had never emptied herself of the kind of life she wanted to lead. It had cost her health, her job, and almost the life of a beloved daughter to a suicide attempt.

As many times as I have read Job before that moment, I had never really thought about God letting Satan empty that beloved old patriarch so that He could fill his child with blessing.

Expect persecutions, Jesus prophesies. And when they come, James adds:

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." ~ James 1:2-4

Ouch. Giving up everything so that you will lack nothing. That's pretty much what Jesus expected of that rich young ruler, wasn't it?

No wonder there are so many of us Christians.

And so few of His disciples.